| So life is alright. It really hit me today that I basically got dumped. It sucks. You have all probably heard this a million times from me, but I don't care. It really hit me today. It's over. Thats it. No trying again, no attempt to fix it, or anything. It's just done. 15 months... He may have been a deuschbag and an asshole towards me, but still he dumped me. And it fucking hurt. I loved him, I still have strong feelings toward him. Everyone tells me that I'm better to move on and find someone else. Maybe I am. But I still have such strong feelings for him, which makes it soo freaking hard to try and move on. And the guy I like now has a girlfriend. Oh yeah I can really pick the winners huh? It just sucks not having that support system there. All of my friends do a great job, but still just the knowledge that someone out there really cares about you, really loves you, is something that no friend can give. They can care and love you but not the way a soulmate can. I don't take this lightly, I am not just looking for another boyfriend, no matter what anyone thinks, I am looking for someone that I can love and that will love me back. So far I haven't found it. I see happy couples everywhere, and I long for what I think that everyone deserves. I truly believe that there is someone out there for everyone, it is just a matter of finding them. Why is it so hard for me to find that? I have had 3 boyfriends in my life, and for the purposes of this, they will remain nameless and I will refer to them as boyfriend #1, boyfriend #2, and boyfriend #3. The first guy I dated asked me out my sophomore year of high school. He asked me to Homecoming and we ended up dating for a month. I broke it off. He liked me more than a friend but I didn't feel the same. So I ended it. I don't think it is fair to lead someone on. We are still really good friends to this day. I know that he would not have wanted to be in a relationship that was a lie. My second boyfriend asked me out a month or so after I broke up with boyfriend #1. He was a friend that I had really liked and I was thrilled that he asked me out. We dated for 4 months. He broke it off with me. I later found out that he hadn't really liked me a whole lot more than a friend and that about 3 to 3 1/2 months of the relationship was a lie on his part. I really liked him and he just led me on. Looking back I can see that it would have never worked out, he rarely saw me or called me, and wasn't really that interested in me. We now finally come to boyfriend #3. There was a much longer period of me being single, (just a month short of a year) between boyfriend #2 and boyfriend #3. I met him at work, and had really liked him. We would flirt at work and long story short, I asked him to my Junior Prom. Which much to my liking, he accepted. Shortly after Prom we started dating.We dated for 1 year and 3 months. It was probably the best 15 months of my life to date. He gave me my first kiss. He made me feel like someone could really care about me. I felt safe when I was around him. I felt like nothing else mattered and that everything was great around him. My love for him blinded me to the truth. I can't pinpoint exactly when but as I was growing more emotionally attached to him he was becoming less emotionally attached to me. I started noticing this in him about 3 months before it ended and we finally talked about it about 1 month before it ended. We agreed to try harder to communicate with each other, and he tried for about 2 or 3 days and then once again reverted back to how he was before. On labor day (September 4), I worked with him and decided that I again needed to talk to him. After work I started the conversation and he dumped me right there. He pretty much told me that I hadn't tried to make an effort. I was so shocked I barely knew what to say. I was upset and told him everything that entered my mind on the relationship. I was crying and yelling and upset, and I barely remember what all I said. Now I am trying to move on with my life and find someone who loves me the way I love them. I could care less about having a boyfriend only to have a boyfriend. I want a meaningful relationship on both parts, not just one-sided. Today is exactly 2 weeks since he dumped me, and I'm doing pretty well. I have accepted that the relationship is over and I must move on. I am starting to take my first steps toward "getting over it," as they say. I just needed to get all of this out there and off my chest. If you took the time to read this entire thing I thank you, as you have proven that you care enough about me to know what happens in my life. If you didn't finish it, it does not matter to me. I do not take offense to skipping over it or not reading it all. My life is very complicated. That is another reason why I wrote this, most people do not realize what I have gone through in my life and how much I am really hurting sometimes. Maybe by reading this you have gained one more piece of information about my life and can now better understand what I have gone through to get here. As most of you probably know I try not to let this affect how I act in public, but burying these emotions and thoughts deep inside only postpones the pain. Hense why most people, except a few, really know what is going on. Thanks again for reading, it really does mean a lot to me. ~Lil Bit |
